Most, if not all, of you know when you’re going through a hard time some days are just fine. It’s not fun, but it’s manageable. You’re sad, but you’re moving on. You’re hurting, but you’re also finding joy. And then the wave of emotion comes in. Grief swells up. You know you have lots to be grateful for, but you’re still really really sad. That’s me today. Most of the day was fine, but tonight I’m really sad. We went out to dinner with Matt’s mom. It’s the last night she is here and she wanted to celebrate Matt’s birthday (which is Saturday) with us before she left. It was a lovely dinner. But in the restaurant there were very young big babies there. Which hurt to see. Like it does when you see pregnant women everywhere and you’re longing for a baby. Or everyone seems to have a significant other and you are alone. Or six people got promoted and your job ended. It was one of those kind of nights for me. Then we go up to the hospital. The nurse manager very kindly let Matt’s mom visit one more time (they are extremely strict about visitation and grandparents can only visit on Saturdays; she made an exception for us today.) So we went up there right after dinner. The kids were with us, so very close to J’s room, yet of course they couldn’t see him or lay an eye on him. And this momma is really sad about that. I hate that they can’t even look at him. I hate that the fact they have a brother who isn’t very real to them. I realize someday this will be all behind us. Someday they’ll be sick to death of looking at him. Someday Grandma will get to hold him as long as she wants. But it’s not today and today I’m sad. Tomorrow I’ll try to be in better perspective. Tonight I’ll just grieve.

J is doing well. His bilirubin level went up, but they didn’t put him under the lights. They’ll test him again in the morning. Hopefully it’ll go back down again. The biggest hurdle to him coming home is a Brady. He’s been two days without one. He needs to go six more days. Every time he has one the clock starts over (he has to go eight days without one.) There are a set of twins in his pod who were also born at 34 weeks a few days ago and they haven’t had a Brady. Chances are good they will go home before J. And I’m happy for them. And so very very jealous. I know some of you had babies in NICU for weeks and weeks and weeks. Oh how I ache for your time there. And some of you would love to have a baby, even if he/she had to be in NICU. I ache for you too. I really do have much to be grateful for. After I’m done grieving tonight I’ll remember that, but not quite yet. I’m going to ride this wave for a little bit longer.

6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Jen G
    Aug 19, 2010 @ 20:27:19

    Oh, I know your pain – different circumstances – and I certainly feel for you. Praying for you to have the emotional stamina. It's OK to be really, really sad about it. Wallow – sometimes you have to in order to work through it. Am also glad to hear he's got 2 days down – I'm praying, as you know, to keep his stay as close to the magic 8 days as possible. Only 6 more to go.


  2. Anonymous
    Aug 19, 2010 @ 21:21:17

    I ❤ you Chel. You, and your family. You've been in my thoughts so much. Sad is not a bad thing unless you are stuck in it. Tomorrow (or some day soon) will be better. Hugs.Bon


  3. Johanna
    Aug 19, 2010 @ 22:41:48

    Hi Chel!!!! I am sure God will give the confort to overpass all this situation, I understand your pain and I am sorry for it, just trust in God´s willingness to help you and be sure that the result will be always the best for you and your family… you are seing a progress so keep going on and give to your baby all the love you can now instead of worry of what will happen later and you will see the results of the love!!! from here kilometers far away from you I send you all my love and care :)BlessingsJohanna Molina


  4. auntmel
    Aug 20, 2010 @ 05:47:39

    Chel,I can so relate to your waves. I have been dealing with headaches and fatigue this summer. Yesterday was a hard day…I am planning to start a fresh today ask God for what I need today and not worry about the rest.When Kailyn was in the NICU and people would ask when she was coming home…our famliy mantra was, "she will come home when she comes home." I remember when we got to the she has to go 7 days without breathing issues. There would be hope…counting the days…and then she would have an "alarm". It was the best feeling as we were getting her ready to go home…for the nurse to casually say you can turn the monitor off. We looked at her like…seriously! Then of course we let big sis and mom do it while Aunt Mel documented it. (Daddy pretty much just tolerated Mommy and Aunt Mel and all the documenting we did that day!) Chel…very soon you are going to hold your Jace without any wires and monitors. Love you!Mel


  5. Sue
    Aug 20, 2010 @ 08:37:58

    I don't understand your specific situation, but I certainly understand "the waves;" you articulated that perfectly. It's OK to be sad…know that there are lots of people praying for you and for Jace to grow healthy and strong!


  6. Kathi
    Aug 20, 2010 @ 16:14:14

    Chel,What an amazing person you are. In the midst of your sadness, you mention other's hurts and grieve for them. It is also amazing how transparent and vulnerable you're being, because that leaves you open to misunderstanding.I don't know your specific longing and grief, but I can understand the waves and being sad, and so I shake my head in agreement and support, give you a hug. I was also told once that, there's no right way to grieve. As long as you are not hurting yourself or other people, do what you need to do to grieve.


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