How not to change a diaper

1. Quickly take off the child’s diaper while they are standing.  Do not bother to check if there is anything other than urine in the diaper.
2. Make a gutteral ‘OH’ sound when realizing there is a ‘prize’ in the diaper.
3. Do not not put the diaper back on and lay the child down.  Instead let him stand there while you start to grab a wipe.
4. Change your mind and grab toilet paper instead even though it is several steps farther away.  Watch child follow you and pray things stick for a minute.
5. While wiping the tush of the standing squirming child knock a bit of the ‘prize’ on the floor.  Quickly try to clean the floor while keeping child’s feet out of it.
6. Lay child down on the rug you just washed a few hours before.  Realize his tush was not completely clean.  Clean tush and rug.   Repeat process.
7. Run the diaper, wipes, and rags to the washing machine.  Don’t bother to put another diaper on child.  Discover you took too long to get diaper on.  Use your foot to make this discovery.
8. Clean foot and carpet.
9. Get distracted by starting load of dipes and rags and don’t put diaper on child.
10. Watch as child finds a sibling’s toy spoon and tries to pee on it.  Laugh to yourself and think about boys and their parts.
11. Stop laughing when child successfully pees on spoon and floor.
12. Clean floor and spoon.  Think harder about toilet training.
13. Finally get diaper on child.
14. Wonder what part of your brain is fried since you have changed a minimum of 5 diapers per day for almost 4 1/2 years and ought know better.  Know that the chances of this happening again in the future are pretty high.
15. Start composing blog post in your head.
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Protected: More dresser pics

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A dead dresser

We have this dresser-type thing that Matt pulled out of a dumpster several years ago.  Technically, he didn’t pull it out, because it was next to it, but you get the idea.  Someone discarded it and he snatched it up.  K had it in her bedroom for years.  It wasn’t in great shape, but it still functioned well as a changing table, dresser, toy holder, etc. until our last move when it got seriously damaged.  The pack rat in me, I mean frugal part, wanted to try to fix it so we could return it to her room even though it had major issues.  So it sat in our garage and waited.  And sat.  And waited.  And we got a great deal on a larger and better dresser for K.  And the old dresser got piled with other crap, I mean treasures, in the garage.  Until last week when we were cleaning the garage and admitted to ourselves the thing was never going to be fixed.  So we carried it out to sit in the driveway until trash day.  After sitting there a few days S commented he wished he could spray paint it.  Um, an 11 year old and 4 year old with spray paint randomly decorating something?  No thanks; this anal-retentive mom can’t be that easy going.  But a day or two later I did decide we shouldn’t waste a perfectly good dead dresser before it goes to dresser heaven.  So one afternoon during J’s naptime I set them up with paints and brushes.  I wish we had more dead furniture!  We had a great time painting!

Maybe we should start a redecorating business?

The backside. Definitely more interesting than it has ever been before.

Of course, since we’re humans with issues, we chose to end the fabulous experience on a sour note.  One of the rules of the process was to paint only on the dresser.  Not on the bikes, the driveway, etc. And definitely not on the house we’re renting.  My amazing children followed the rule…for a while.  Then I noticed this:

Not the dresser.

One child thought painting the garage door would make a good ‘decoration.’  Yes.  If we were sure the paint was washable or the house was his.  But since neither of those were the case, I was not very happy.  But being the smart, educated woman I am I handled it with grace and wisdom…in theory.  In reality I threw out all the parenting tools I’ve learned through the years and went with the old stand-by, yelling.  Not one of my prouder moments.  Do you ever take a great experience and screw it up with your junk?  Thank goodness for grace.  Long term the kids will hopefully remember the fun of the process, not the bad choices at the end.  The next day they added more art to the dresser with markers and crayons.  And thankfully the decorations came off of the garage door with a little scrubbing by the artist.  I will remember the experience as both great and icky; a reminder that I am a work in progress; one that needs to ‘progress’ a little bit faster.  I look forward to finding other objects to beautify.  And hopefully I’ll continue to ‘beautify’ myself and my parenting as well.

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